Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
