Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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