Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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