Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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