The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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