I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize