I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
