Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Still dying that you shit outside
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
