what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
