Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
