He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
