dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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