You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
