Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
