I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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