he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
