I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
