And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
