Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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