Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
