I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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