I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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