Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
