Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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