A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we have pet lesbian snakes
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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