I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
