saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
