her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
