girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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