that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
