my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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