I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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