I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
