My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
