I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
