I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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