turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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