I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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