What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we made out on top of his cat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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