I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
