My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
