Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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