your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
