there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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