I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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