Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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