My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
