not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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