this boner is exhausting
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize