new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it hurts more in the daytime
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
