I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
