im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
