In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We need to get me chipped asap
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
