He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
