I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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