I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
