I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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