i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
