I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
