Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
