Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
